Ninja Rumble
by Bertinan
Summary: If Kiba had known that spreading that rumor about Naruto wanting Sasuke would lead to this, he'd have kept his big mouth shut...not Yaoi.


Ninja Rumble

If Kiba had known that asking if Naruto was gay would lead to this, he'd have kept his big mouth shut...not Yaoi.

_Hello folks, Bertinan here. This story is a sort of humorous counter to all those Homosexual Naru/Sasu stories, because I'm honestly sick of having to dig through 20 Yaoi stories to find one decent non-yaoi story. If this story ends up offending you in any way (in which Naruto will become slightly homophobic, and some of the other characters will become OOC), then good. Oh, and this story was inspired by authors like Innortal and Greylle. I wish I was half as funny as you folks._

_The story is set at about when Naruto comes back from his training trip with Ero-Sennin. It's pretty much crack. Oh, and cannon is obviously going to be hit with a train. It will mostly be from Naruto's viewpoint._

Naruto smiled widely as he gazed upon the village, his village. Well, not to suggest it was his, yet. Of course, he had plans, and Konoha but those would take a long while yet to come to fruition…

No, wait, damn it, he _didn't_ have any plans. Damn fox, trying to corrupt his mind again. Of course, that wasn't as bad as the other, who scared the hell out of him. It had some good ideas for pranks, sometimes, but a lot of stuff it suggested seemed a little too much like what Ero-Sennin wrote about in his books…

"_Oh come now, Naruto, I'm not that bad. At least I don't fill your thoughts with visions of death and destruction,"_Inc said.

"**As if dreams of screwing every woman he's ever known were any better. What about that dream with that old medic nin in the nurse outfit?" **Kyuu-chan said.

Inc was short for Incubus, some sort of weird extra-dimensional demon of lust. Naruto wasn't too sure where Ero-Sennin found that damn scroll with a summoning seal for the thing, but Naruto was pretty sure that he had thought it was a sealing seal, or otherwise Naruto was going to find a way to make him suffer for _decades_ before he was allowed to die. Maybe he'd start with something like burning his home village to the ground…

_Shut the fuck up, Kyuu-chan. I've already told you I'm going to protect Konoha, not harm it._

Kyuu-chan was short for Kyuubi, the Nine-tailed Demon Fox. Naruto had no idea what it really was, or how it came into existence, but he did know it was some great force of destruction that had attacked Konoha for some reason or the other, and that the Fourth Hokage had felt the pressing need to seal it into him. Why it had to be him, an orphan with dubious parentage, and not the child of some clan that probably would have welcomed the power of such a thing with open arms, he had no idea. Naruto did know that if he ever met the spirit of the Fourth, he was going to punch him in the face. Right after he finished kicking Ero-Sennin in the balls.

_Bad enough I have a psychotic fox thing with a fetish for blood in my head, but no, Fate decided I hadn't been screwed enough, and decided to add in some freaky sex demon too. My life sucks._

Never let it be said that Naruto was emo or anything. And don't get him wrong, it wasn't like he was gay. He was as straight as a board, with never any thoughts of the same sex. At least in a sexual sense. It was just that…it was **hard** talking to women when you had visions of them with legs spread wide open or bent over a table waving their as…

And there, see? That was the problem. He could never NOT think of women without thinking of sex. He'd eventually managed to get the nosebleeds and erections under control, but not the slight flush, and, unknown to him, it seemed that having an incubus sealed in you caused you to increase pheromone production, because he'd often noticed a certain smell around any woman he spent a lot of time around. A smell that Ero-Sennin had taken great pleasure in describing to him in detail when he'd asked. He'd never look at oysters quite the same way ever again, and he still had no idea what cats had to do with any of it. Of course, being Naruto, he failed to realize just why they smelled like that when he was around.

"**Call me Kyuu-chan again, flesh bag, and I will rip your intestines out and feed them to you piece by piece!" **Kyuu-chan pouted.

Or at least, that's what it sounded like. Kyuu-chan probably meant it as a roar or something. Ero-Sennin, shortly after the fiasco with the incubus, had apparently felt guilty, and, to help make it up to Naruto, explained to him that where he met the Kyuubi was an extension of his subconscious, and that Naruto, not the Kyuubi, was in control. Naruto, being Naruto, interpreted that statement as meaning that he could change the cage, or even the Kyuubi. Now, Naruto's subconscious was in proud possession of a cute little twelve year old, complete with long red hair tied into pigtails, big red eyes that often glistened with unshed tears, and a pretty white dress with lots of frills. Oh, and a fox tail and ears. Naruto thought the blue bow tied into her tail to be a particularly nice touch.

Unfortunately, Naruto couldn't do quite the same thing with the Incubus. Apparently, the summoning seal Ero-Sennin had mistakenly used, probably in the thoughts that it would strengthen the current seal (of course, he was drunk at the time, so who knew what he was actually thinking?), had fused with the seal for the Kyuubi. Unfortunately, it also caused the seal to weaken over all, meaning that not only could both demonic entities talk to him directly, but they could also send images, such as Baa-chan using that giant rack of hers and wrapping them around his throbbing…

_NO! It's Baa-chan! That's like having sex with my mother or something. It's gross. She's family. Plus, she's like sixty or something._

"_She's family with a huge set of tits, that's what she is. Come on. So what if she's old? As long as she keeps up that genjutsu, she's still a hot piece of tail. Plus, she's got to have a lot of experience, with a bomb shell body like that. You don't think she got the nickname "Legendary Sucker" for just her luck, do you?"_

And now Naruto had the image of Baa-chan on her knees in between his legs, sucking on…ARGH!

"**Are you a demon or not, scum? Do you not have standards? Any real demon would obviously want to that snake woman. Imagine what it would be like to tie her up on a bed and whip her, while she screams in ecstasy?" **Kyuu-chan stated, with a lustful undertone.

The image switched to Anko, tied spread-eagle over a bed completely naked, chest heaving as screams and moans came from her, with Kyuu-chan dressed in full body leather missing just the right parts wielding a whip…

Naruto was quite glad when the junior members of Team Eight, along with Sakura and Ino, interrupted his thoughts.

"Naruto! When did you get back? It's been so long! How was the trip?" Sakura asked.

"_I wonder if she's a natural pink…"_

Naruto grimaced and shook his head, then pushed that thought out of his mind. "Sakura! It's great to see you. I've missed you," Naruto said, smiling gently.

Something that had yet to be mentioned was that having an incubus sealed into you came with a few benefits. The aforementioned pheromones aside, the sealing also caused a large improvement in physical attractiveness. Naruto, having the awareness of a brick, merely thought that his drastic change was just part of maturing. He didn't realize that going from rugged good looks to blonde haired Adonis in the space of a night was not normal. Besides, he didn't even know who Adonis was.

Of course, Naruto may not have noticed, but the rest of the world did. Sakura and Ino (and Hinata, hidden behind Shino) certainly noticed. The large blush on the cheeks of one, and the weak knee reaction of another, was something Naruto saw, but didn't understand the meaning of. Naruto merely thought Sakura flushed with anger at him again, and Ino obviously didn't eat enough if her waist size was any indication. Hinata, strangely, had the same exact reaction she always had whenever she met Naruto. Then again, she always thought of him as an Adonis anyway, so perhaps it wasn't so strange.

Kiba and Shino had differing reactions to Naruto's new looks. Shino, having an analytical mind, saw his appearance and received the reports from his bugs about the pheromones, and wondered what had happened to cause such a dramatic change. Of course, it wasn't like Naruto was bad looking before, in fact he was quite good looking in a rough way, but now…thankfully, no one noticed the slight blush, thanks to his coat.

Kiba, on the other hand…Kiba was an idiot. Not that he didn't have his good points. He was loyal to a fault, and he would do anything for his friends and Konoha, but he was still a moron. So Kiba took in his rival's (in his mind) handsome face, his muscular body, and his confident atmosphere, and immediately asked…

"Dude, are you gay?"

By this time, they had gathered quite a crowd, mostly people gawking at Naruto, wondering where the loud mouth brat from three years ago had gone, murmuring amongst themselves. After Kiba's statement, however, everyone went silent.

Except for Naruto, of course.

"What?"

"Well, it makes sense. I mean…you have sworn you'd chase after Sasuke to the ends of the earth. I just figured…well, it just seems like that's much more than a bond of friendship. You know, more like a soul mate kind of bond."

If a third party had stood back and watched the expressions of everyone around, they would've seen Naruto in shock, most of the crowd thoughtful, Ino drooling, Sakura horrified, Shino slightly hopeful, and Hinata with murderous rage on her face.

Even her "I'm going to kill you" face was cute.

The two demonic entities wouldn't be left out, of course.

"_You know, that makes sense. I'd wondered why I hadn't gotten through to you yet. I mean, no one can be THAT thick. But if you were gay, you wouldn't care about my kind of images. Now I know what I need to do."_

"**Huh. Who'd have thought. I mean, I thought you were a pedophile, what with the twelve year old thing. Maybe it was just your parental instincts, knowing you'd never have kids of your own, loving cock and all."**

Naruto felt it would be a cold day in hell before he'd touch either men or children, but his mind was still reeling from the accusation and thus could not mount a defense to the mental assault upon his character. Then again, the previous vision in leather had NOT been sent by the incubus. Take that to mean what you will.

Naruto's mind finally rebooted, and Naruto's mouth said, "Fuck you! I'm not gay!"

His mind was still in it's loading phase.

"Oh yeah? Prove it!"

Kiba, upon looking back, would swear that this was the point where everything went all wrong.

"Fine!" Naruto then began thinking of a way to prove it. Hinata had, at this point, drifted slightly from Shino's back, and Naruto, in a flash of brilliance, knew he had found his way.

Well, at least, Naruto thought it was brilliant.

"Hinata! Have sex with me!" Naruto shouted.

Many wondered why Naruto, on that day, chose Hinata. If asked to explain it, Naruto would say that it was because he thought she was the safest choice. After all, in their time together as Team Seven, Sakura had punched Naruto every time he asked her out. He was terrified of what she would've done had he asked her for sex. Ino had had that drooling expression on his face, and it reminded him of the face Ero-Sennin had made whenever the moans came from the other side of the divider in the hot springs. Or whenever Naruto made more than one clone using Oiroke no Jutsu. It creeped him out. Hinata, on the other hand, was a nice, sweet girl with a proper upbringing, who, while a little strange, was otherwise completely normal. And not liable to fly into a murderous rage.

So no jaw remained undropped when Hinata screamed "YES!"

_And there you have it. First chapter of who knows how many._

_However, now having wrote this, I'm realizing just how hard it's going to be to include both demons in the story. I'm worried they'll just become comic relief. It's kind of daunting._

_Anyway, if any fellow authors are reading this, please, if you have any advice for me, let me know in a pm or something. This is my first story, so I need all the help I can get. I also can't promise a release schedule, although I have plenty of free time right now, so you might get a lot in a short period of time._

_And yes, the title is a knock off of School Rumble. Which I've never actually read or watched.._

_Bertinan out._


End file.
